The Truth
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Satire on Naruto. What you saw at first glance may not be correct. Only analysis, study, and an unbiased attitude can bring the truth to light...


Once, the Kyuubi attacked the village of Konoha because a revenge-hungry bastard wanted to destroy it because he was butthurt at the fact he wasn't chosen to be the First Hokage.

But seriously, who cares about that? The tale of Naruto is such an amazing piece of shit, an epic Saga, of how an over exaggerated abusive childhood turned a boy into a man with an abornormally large penis.

So basically, Naruto was a retard who couldn't even multiply himself. Everyone laughed at him because the teachers were all "OMFG, Demon! Must not teach! Be a bastard to it! Yeah!' Except for one named Iruka. For some reason, he didn't give in to peer pressure and tried to help Naruto become a more kickass Shinobi.

Even so, Naruto still failed the simplest of tests because 'the teacher rigged his test.' That was extreme sarcasm, by the way.

Then, Mizuki, one of Naruto's teachers, was for some reason hanging out with Naruto, offered him a remedial test, that involved stealing a FORBIDDEN FUCKING SCROLL FILLED TO THE FUCKING BRIM WITH FUCKING KICKASS JUTSU'S THAT HE COULD USE TO SELL TO SOME FUCKING VOLDERMORT WANNABE!

So, naturally, Naruto accepted, because apparently he's stupid like that.

BUT! That's not really interesting either. Let's get into what the fanbase is here for… the gay porn!

What? What do you mean, it's YAOI? It's the same damn bullshit, now shut up.

Oh wait… important plot point I skipped. Yeah, so Naruto got pissed at Mizuki for lying to him, and unlocked ALL THE FUCKING KYUUBI'S FUCKING POWERS! And then killed him.

Alright, Naruto got promoted, and some other shit that's not really important… and now to the gay porn.

No! YAOI is gay porn! No matter how much you say otherwise, it's true!

The Story begins at the academy, where apparently Ninja teams were being assigned.

"…" Naruto said.

"Hey Naruto." Shikamaru drawled lazily. "Why the hell are you so quiet?"

"It is because I am the main character. As the main character, it is my duty to kick ass."

"Pfft. The series may be called 'Naruto' but everybody knows that Masashi Kisimato is the main character."

They both looked at Sasuke.

"Oh… woe is me… My brother killed my clan… I can't bring knives to school to cut myself anymore… and life sucks."

"Oh, Kishimato, you're soooooooo sexy!" All of Sasuke's fangirls swooned.

"How unrealistic. Real girls that age are not that shallow." Naruto growled. Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Well, duh! Did you think Kishimato has actually ever talked to a real girl before? Sheesh."

Naruto nodded, wondering how he couldn't see that. He decided to spend his time staring at Hinata, because apparently he watched and respected her too in the academy days.

"Hmmm… her tits are huge…" Naruto said.

"Get out of my way, bitch!" A voice said from the doorway.

"LOL! I kno biith! U r!"

"Wait… what?" the first voice asked in a confused tone.

Naruto turned to see what was going on.

"What a drag. Troublesome. Whatever my catchphrase is, now." Shikamaru said, yawning. "Who the hell pairs me up with her?"

"Ino and… ummm… the new girl." Naruto said.

Indeed, the two girls were fighting each other to get through the door first.

"Seriously. If this series is written for the porn, then why don't we get any lesbian action?" Shikamaru complained. "I mean, seriously. Hardly any of the girls are that close to one another, and they all have specific male sex partners."

"Pfft. One word: Threesome." Naruto said obnoxiously.

The girls finally got through the door.

"Alright, Sasuke, I'm sitting by you!" Ino announced loudly.

"No." Sasuke said calmly.

"Wha- Why not?" She demanded. "You have to rebuild your clan… and stuff. You need a lot of wives… and I'll be one!"

"You know, this little obsessed harem Sasuke has going on is probably because Kishimato could never got any girls interested in him at school." Shikamaru suggested.

"Just shut up. Nobody cares about your theories on why Kishimato has his self-insert be super special awesome powerful and sexy." Naruto growled.

"Hey, if you're jealous, just go on and write a Self-insert for yourself. It probably won't reach the same level of teenagers masturbating to it, but it is the thought that counts!"

"Shut up, Sasuke's basically confirming the fact that he's gay." Naruto scolded.

"No. Go away. I don't want to be near you." Sasuke said.

"But… why!" Ino said, nearly in tears.

"Because… of her…" Sasuke muttered dreamily.

"Wha-"

"Hello Sasuke-kun." The 'new girl' said sexily. "May I sit next to you?"

"Why, of course." Sasuke said.

The girl slid sexily and seductively into the seat.

Naruto's eyes widened.

"Her… boobs… are so… big!" Naruto said, wide-eyed.

"Yeah, like huge boobs are really that enticing for people our age." Shikamaru said sarcastically.

"Dammit! She's mine!" Naruto cried, leaping up into the air, flying towards the near girl.

"Oops! Dropped my pens!" The girl said sexily, and leaned down, revealing her SUPAH HUMUNOGOUS BOOBS!"

"ARGH!" Naruto cried, and got a huge nosebleed, and…

FLEW TOWARDS SASUKE SO HOT GAY TWU LUV COULD COMMENCE!

And now, I will impersonate the bastards at 4kids and censor it! AH! AHAHA! You all thought I was into YAOI didn't you? AHAHAHAHAHA!

"Alright, stop it you three!" Iruka screamed at the three teenagers on the desk.

"Aw..." Naruto said, as he pulled his knife away from Sakura's pants. "I didn't even get to bang her-"

"I didn't either. My life sucks!" Sasuke complained.

"But… you two both love me! You're supposed to fight over me romantically and… stuff!" The 'New Girl' protested.

"Oh please. You're a shallow bitch. You're good for sex, but not much else." Naruto explained.

"Yeah, if you can't cook and/or clean, nobody will commit themselves to you." Sasuke said logically.

"Okay, enough with the anti-feminism bullshit." Iruka said angrily.

"Pfft. It's not bullshit!" Naruto screamed as he pointed at Iruka.

"It is, but whatever. I have teams to assign!"

Various shinobi had their own thoughts on this.

The girls were all thinking of being on the same team with their crushes, having fantasy's of them doing everything for them and having huge penis's and raising a family and all that other shit… Yeah, seriously.

Chouji was thinking of food.

Shikamaru was sleeping.

Kiba was petting Akamaru.

Shino was… being Shino.

Sasuke was fantasizing about cutting himself some more, and being even more of an emo bastard.

Naruto was laughing at them all, because he had nigh unlimited chakra, memorized a zillion powerful jutsu's, could transform into a Nine-tailed Fox, and most importantly, had a super huge penis.

"Team one, two, three, four, five, six, and nine, are complete and utter bullshit. Haha, you're not part of the series! So technically, there are only three teams."

"Who the hell didn't get a team?" Naruto muttered.

"Apparently, the people with no generic backstory."

"Can we just pretend those are all the poorly made self-inserts walking out that door?" Naruto asked, as he watched the kids with no generic backstorys leave.

"No. One did make it…"

Before Naruto could demand him to tell him where the SI was so he could kill him, when the teams were announced.

"Team Seven: Naruto Uzamaki."

"Yep. I knew it. I'm on a team all by myself." Naruto said, nodding knowingly. "The Old man is probably pushing to have me elected for Hokage already."

"You fool!" Iruka shouted. "Becoming the Hokage is a process that could take many years of hard work and labor-"

"Screw the work, I have an Infinite power source stuck in my gut!" Naruto said.

"You know, you shouldn't be able to deal with that power without going insane." Iruka said sagely.

"I'm the main character, my abilities and kickassery is determined by the fans. Judging by all the fanfics, I should be able to turn into the Kyuubi as long as I break the seal-"

"Pfft. Like Shikamaru said, nobody cares about you, not even Kishimato."

"Wha-"

"Anyway, the other members of Team seven are Sasuke Uchiha, and Mary Sue."

"Yayz!" The 'new girl' said as she jumped up in the air.

"Oh dear… I must now face the challenge my idol, Cloud Strife, had to put up with… an annoying fangirl." Sasuke said, trying to sound dramatic but failing miserably.

"Son of a-" Naruto swore. "Why am I stuck with the Mary Sue and the Goth kid!"

"There is a difference between emo and goth you know." Sasuke said, slightly annoyed. "This is one of the many reasons why life sucks…"

"Well, you got such low scores on your final, we had to put the highest scoring people on your team.

Silence.

"Wait, what?" Naruto asked, bewildered.

"Even I think that's slightly more idiotic than life. Life sucks." Sasuke said.

"Ummm… why?" Iruka asked, confused.

"Because not everyone has a demon stuck in the gut that would give them unlimited power in dangerous situations!" Naruto said. "That person would usually just bring the whole team down!"

"Well, no one really cares about the education of ninjas. It's all about the porn. So no, I have no good comeback. Oooooh, Loophole, Kishimato! You need more than gay porn to make a good manga!"

"Oh please. There's no such thing as a good manga." Sasuke sniffed.

"… don't make me kill you. Anyway, Team 8 is Hinata, Kiba, and Shino, and Team 10 is Chouji, Shikamaru, and Ino. Anyway, wait here for your sensei's to arrive. That is all."

"Alright." Naruto said as he strode over to Hinata. "Let's make this clear: I'm going to end up banging you sometime soon in canon, so you officially have to be part of my harem. Since you're my canon pairing, that apparently means you're the head wife, my prized sex object, and henthforth other shit. Oh, and I'll probably beat you and other things, but I'm not abusive, really, I love you!"

"Oh, really? I love you too!" Hinata giggled. "Let's do it now!"

But Naruto shook his head.

"Alas, my vastly less intelligent sex object, I must build my harem before banging you. It's sort of a honor thing. You understand."

"Oh!" Hinata gasped. "I… understand completely!"

"No she doesn't. She just wants sex." Shikamaru explained.

"Meh. Alright with me."

Soon, the three ninja of team seven went to the roof to meet their sensei.

"Haha, I bet this is the first time in a Naruto fanfic ever that Kakashi was never late. It's just that overused." Naruto bragged.

"That's because it's canon though." Sasuke pointed out.

"Yeah, well, so is NaruHina, but the majority of the fanbase is denying it."

Before Mary Sue could bullshit him by using her boobs, Kakashi appeared.

"Ah, Hello. I am your sensei. So… tell me about yourselves."

"You go first." Naruto said obnoxiously.

"Very well. I'm Kakashi Hatake. My likes and dislikes are not really important. My hobbies are apparently looking at porn. And my dreams for the future… find out how the hell my character is butchered in fanfiction to the point where I'm either the most amazing kickass ninja ever, or a evil ninja who hates Naruto and for some reason is made very clear to have a small penis.:"

"That's because apparently everyone horrible to me has a small penis. But I don't blame you. Compared to me, yours are practically nonexis-"

"Just shut up and tell me about yourself."

"Fine." Naruto said as he brushed the hair out of his face. "My name is Naruto Uzamaki. And because this is an English dub, now way am I switching the names around. My likes include bragging about my penis size, beating up shinobi using cheap tricks, instant ramen, and my unstoppable chakra."

"Oh please." Sasuke said, rolling his eyes. "What are you, the newest uninformed fanfic writer? Are you ignoring the fact that the Mandegeyou Sharingan can-"

"Shut up." Kakashi growled.

"My dislikes include anybody who thinks that I won't have sex with every other girl in canon, Masashi Kishimato because he's a bitch, Minato Namikaze who apparently is responsible for making me miserable, is also implied to be my father to the point all of the halfway sane and intelligent fans guessed it in the first episode."

"Oh please." Sasuke said, rolling his eyes again. "There's no such thing has a sane anime fan."

"You take that back!" Mary Sue shouted.

"Hey kids, calm down." Kakashi said.

"My hobbies, for some reason, are watering plants according to the crappy guidebook thing, despite the fact that in canon I say it's eating ramen. My dream for the future…" He paused dramatically. "Is to bullshit all the people who doubt my penis size."

Silence.

"So you're going to audition for the Come Come paradise movie?"

"Dammit! No!" Naruto screamed. "I have… something else planned."

"Alright. You, the character that the female fans relate to the most because you're almost as useless and pathetic at love as them, you're next."

"Oh really? Yayz! My name is Mary Isabella Ebony Swan Dementia Way Sue. My likes are initating HAWT threesomes, having guys bang me, and dressing in a sexy fashion!"

"Not to be rude or anything, but why doesn't anybody call you a slut?" Naruto asked.

"Cuz I'm not!"

"Your twelve years old, dressing scantily, talk about having sex in public, you attempt to have sex in public, so you most likely have sex in private as well, and… well, you're a slut."

"Well, all the girls at school are doing it!"

Silence.

"That… was among the stupidest comebacks I've ever heard." Sasuke said. "Life sucks. I wanna cut myself for being around this stupidity."

"Dammit, those girls having sex aren't cool. They just act like that because they think they're all mature and shit by having sex to make babies to get out of school so they can have more sex!" Naruto ranted.

"My dislikes include people who disagree with me, because they're wrong!" Mary Sue screamed.

"More stupidity. Life sucks."

"More hobbies include sex, writing fanfics about me having sex-"

"Woah, woah. Major misconception there. People only write lemons to compensate for having no sex life." Naruto contradicted.

"ARGH! My dreams are killing you all!"

"Irritated easily I see…" Kakashi muttered.

"Trying to give her an identifiable character is impossible sensei." Naruto explained. "She is all the female fans ever wanted to be and more."

"Now, last, and if it wasn't for pinky here, least, the Emo Kid."

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. My Likes only include my idols, Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart, and Kain. My dislikes include everything else. My hobbies include cutting myself, ranting about how much life sucks, and playing Japanese RPGs to see if I can find any more emo people to idolize. Oh, and my dream for the future is to kill my brother. Who is actually a good guy, but Kishimato needed a good reason for me to bust my ass to become the greatest manga character ever in less then 300 chapters. "

"Okay… you're all officially insane, but that's good! Apparently all the loud, obnoxious ninja are the best!"

Wow… like Japanese culture wasn't bastardized enough.

"Anyway, I'll see you guys tomorrow. There's a test!" And with that, Kakashi left.

The three looked at each other.

"So… threesome now?" Sakura asked.

"Nope. Gotta build a harem. I got kinda carried away back there. I'll see you two later."

"I gotta go cut myself. Excuse me."

With the boys gone, Sakura's lip trembled.

"What is the purpose in life, without sex? I am a loser without sex. I don't know what to do…"


End file.
